Dealing with Grief.....

What are the Catholic Funeral Rites and Customs?

"LOCAL SUPPORT GROUPS"
The Grief Process
God Cares!
Some simple things to do.
Seek Help!
Recommended Reading:

"LOCAL SUPPORT GROUPS"

TALKING ABOUT DEATH SCRIPTURALLY

COMMUNITY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUPS
 

JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF

A mutual self-help bereavement support group for all widowed held at the Saul Colonial Home, 3795 Nottingham Way, Hamilton Square, 7:30-9PM on the third Tuesday of each month.  For information, call Mary Lou Pizzullo or Deborah Myslinski at 609-587-7072 or 609-448-6722. 

STARTING OVER 

A structured, closed ended support group for widows and widowers under the age of 45, or those with young children.  Pre-registration is required.  For information, call Mary Lou Pizzullo or Deborah Myslinski at 609-587-7072 or 609-448-6722.

BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUP
CARING AND SHARING 

A mutual self-help support group for all bereaved.  Held the first Wednesday of the month at the Harold Scarborough Senior Citizen Center, 483 Dutch Neck Road, East Windsor from 7-8:30PM.  For information, call Mary Lou Pizzullo or Deborah Myslinski at 609-587-7072 or 609-448-6722.

C.A.N.S.
CHILDREN ADJUSTING TO NEW SITUATIONS

A structured closed ended support group for children and teens that have experienced the death of a loved one.  To register or request information, please call Mary Lou Pizzullo or Deborah Myslinski at 609-5877072 or 609-448-6722

H.O.P.E.
HELPING OTHER PEOPLE EVOLVE, INC. 

A support group for widowed men and women of all ages.  Four 10 week sessions a year held at St. Ann’s R.C. Church, 1253 Lawrence Road, Lawrenceville on Mondays, 7-8:30PM.  For information and dates, call Sunny Lawrence, 856-234-2200.

SURVIVING AFTER SUICIDE 

A group of suicide survivors reaching out to bereaved individuals who have lost a family member to suicide.  Meets on the second Wednesday of the month in the Executive Board Room, ground floor in the Women & Infants Pavilion of RVJ University Hospital at Hamilton at 7:30PM.  For more information or to confirm attendance, call Jeff Pierfy, Chaplain, at 609-631-6980 or Martha Bogdan at 609-585-8097.

COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS 

A support group for parents who have lost a child to death. 
Meets on the first Monday of each month in the Occupational Health Center - BLDG #2 which is located in front of the hospital in a separate bldg.
For information, call chaplain Ed Conley 609-631-6980
     - as an alternative you can also call the TCF hotline at 609-516-8047.

“HEARTS APART” 

This group provides grief support following the death of a baby, including miscarriage, entopic pregnancy, stillbirth and infant death.  For more information or a referral, call 609-584-5100. 

UNITE 

A support group for all parents grieving the loss of a child from stillbirth through age one.  For information, contact Capital Health Systems, the Community Outreach Department at 609-394-4000. 

BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT GROUP – HOLY ANGELS 

Presentations and group discussions for all bereaved.  Held second and fourth Tuesday of each month from 7 – 8:30PM at Holy Angels Rectory, 1733 South Broad Street, Trenton.  For information, call Eileen Steight, R.N. at 609-888-0006 or 609-396-8316.

ST. ANTHONY OF PADUA CHURCH – SUPPORT GROUP 

Presentations and sharing for all bereaved.  Held the fourth Tuesday of each month, 8 – 9:30PM at St. Anthony of Padua Parish Hall, Hightstown.  For more information call Deacon Joseph Hepp at 609-426-0022.

FRIENDS OF THE SHEPHERD 

A bereavement support group for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one.  Sharing, caring and support.  Held at St. Gregory the Great parish Center, Hamilton Square, on the second and fourth Monday of each month, 7:30 – 9PM.  For information, call Deacon Rich D’Angelo at 609-586-8326. 

LIVING WITH LOSS
And
LIFE AFTER LOSS 

Bereavement support groups open to all and held in the spring and fall of each year for ten weeks at two locations.  Call Community Hospice at 609-0329 ext.2224.

FAMILY GRIEF 

A structured, closed ended support group for those who have experienced the death of a loved one.  Learning and sharing sessions are for eight consecutive weeks.  Enrollment is limited.  To register or request information, call Mary Lou Pizzullo or Deborah Myslinski at 609-587-7072 or 609-448-6722.
 

Saying goodbye to a loved one is among the most difficult, painful experiences of a lifetime. For help, go to the American Association of Retired Person's Coping with Grief and Loss Web site.

 For online support, visit Death & Dying Grief Support. 

For a directory of support groups around the country, visit Bereavement Medline web .

The Grief Process

1. Numbness [Denial]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.

2. Anger. May be directed at the doctor, nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders, God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not lost that particular relative or loved one.

3. Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.

4. Depression. A heavy pall hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.

5. Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.

God Cares!

God Cares. Sometimes our feelings about God become involved in the process of grieving. We can blame Him for what has happened or wonder why he didn't stop it. We may have come to believe that God punishes us for doing wrong. We may think someone else besides our loved one would be more deserving of death. Those who call and come to the funeral home may say things that confuse and anger us: that the death is God's will, that it is a blessing, that God needed a good person in heaven. Many of us have come to deeper faith through our loss. We have come to believe that God is at least as upset about our loss as we are. After all, He lost His only Son. After all, Jesus stood and wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus. Even Jesus was not spared death. If we can make it to the point where we don't blame God for what has happened, we can begin receiving the real help he wishes to give us. We can see Him in family and friends to maintain contact and offer to help. We can receive his strength, understanding and consolation when we see Him in those who listen to how we feel. We can experience the joy of Jesus promise of forgiveness and eternal life, even in the times when we struggle the most. We can come to see that God has not abandoned us at all, but that he carries us through the most difficult times.

It's confusing. The grief stages come and go. Just as we feel we are finished with one, it comes back again. Other people, situations, holidays, news stories, etc. continue to remind us of the person we have lost. We need to remember that what we are feeling is normal. That is crucially important when we experience depression. Help is always available. Feel free to contact or e-mail me when you need to talk. Keep the family talking as well. Know that you remain in our prayers and that we stand ready to do all we can to help you through this difficult time. God Bless!

Some simple things to do.

• The Church tells us it is helpful to pray for those who have died. Our bond with them is not broken at all. Remember that, and pray often. Come to Church, go to the Temple, or a favorite spot and pray. Light a candle in their memory, help the poor, give to their favorite charity, do what you think would please them.
• Tell the story. Don't allow them to be forgotten, especially by the children in your family. Show pictures, remember the best times. This shouldn't be morbid, but a cheerful link with their heritage.
• Emulate their best qualities. Think of your best memories of the person and strive to be that kind of person.
• Let go of resentment. The things a deceased loved one has done to harm us come back as well. While praying for the person, pray too, for a willingness to let go of any resentments you might hold against them.
• Celebrate an anniversary or special day by including them. Taking some time to pray, light a candle, make their favorite food, go to a favorite place. Don't expect to have holidays and special occasions be exactly as they were. They won't be . . . but they can still be good!
• Don't feel guilty when you're not thinking about them. That's probably the hardest, not thinking about them for an hour or two, and then feeling guilty because we're forgetting. Not thinking about the person constantly is a sign that we're doing a little better.
• Go on with life, as they'd like us to. Chances are, the person who has died would like us to continue to enjoy life. Do it!
• Don't be upset with the insensitivity of others. When we need the help of others the most, they don't bring up the loss any more. The reason is that they don't want to upset us. It might be up to us to begin talking about it. In the same way, our friends don't know what to say to comfort us. Sometimes they say things that are simply dumb: "God needed another angel, it's a blessing, . . ." You know the phrases. When we hear them, we just need to be grateful that the person was there for us and said anything at all. What matters most is that people care!

Seek Help!

Many Churches, hospitals, etc. sponsor Grief Support Groups. They can be invaluable sources of strength and help. Others have been through what we face. They help us until we can help still others. Saint Bronislava has a Grief Support Committee. When a parishioner dies, someone is assigned to walk with their family for at least a year . . . simply as a caring friend, perhaps sending a card, making a phone call, remembering an important time. It is best to let others help. It's difficult, too, especially if we are a helper ourselves. Sometimes it is good to ask ourselves the question, "What would all the helpers do if nobody accepted help?" The road is a much easier one when we allow others to walk it with us. Why not let us add your name to our prayer list. Know that you are in our prayers. May God bless you and keep you safe!

Recommended Reading:

The Harold Kushner book, "When Bad things Happen to Good People." Written by a rabbi, it was most helpful to me in dealing with my parents' deaths. It is in all the libraries I know about and available in paperback at any book store.

The Westberg book, "Good Grief" is a synopsis of the grief process. A little more in depth than what I have presented, but the best part is right here.

Cyber-member Margaret recommends the book "Motherless Daughters," by Hope Edelman.  As Margaret says:

"That book had such an immense impact on me, it surpasses  words. As I read that book, I felt as though I was among friends. The author herself says that she searched long and hard to find a  book to help her deal with her loss, and when she found so little  out there for women who have lost their mothers (mostly at a young  age but this book is for any woman who has lost her mother) she went out and wrote her own. That book was a great help in allowing me to access so many different feelings and deal with them, and even more important, I no longer felt so alone as I read words from women interviewed for the book where they were actually saying the very things I'd been saying. I felt so understood."

The above are complements of:

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